Lately, I’ve been feeling a strange sort of emptiness. Not a depressing, numb-like emptiness with doesn’t respond to the stimulus of life, but a clear emptiness that I can only describe using others’ words. I genuinely feel satisfyingly lost in existence. There is nothing that I am chasing, only cycles that continue or end, and there is nothing that I want, only things I enjoy or entertain temporarily. I do not feel bliss, because that would mean the abundant presence of joy or happy relaxation. I do not feel strong fears even though I worry sometimes. I feel like I have arrived at a strange situation in which I have no pulling or compelling desires and no eminent dangers or demands which would force me to act in any specific way. I feel like the world around me has become a label-filled void, if I were to use flashy language. Everything I do is what I choose to do, and everything I feel I accept and contend with as it comes. I would say I feel free, but that would imply I have other feelings because of our colloquial understandings of its connotations, and I simply do not feel anything but one thing: presence.
It changes every now and then, dulling and then strengthening like the tide’s rising and falling along the shore of a cove, but it never leaves. It would be ironic if a sense of presence “left”, but not many things seem to surprise me about reality. I still find new things and revelations of experience interesting, but since I meditated on an experience and felt a sense of connection to everything around me as if it were only an extension of myself, I have felt things in terms of presence. As far as my perception is concerned, my thoughts come and go, the time passes with some moments lasting longer than others, people visit my experience, and distance has lost any relevance because I understand that for something to be present is just for it to be near. And things can only be more or less near to my experience than the physical form I use to navigate my localized perspective.
Actually, I recently attempted remote viewing (a psychic phenomenon in which one can view a remote space, place, or item with one’s consciousness) and I think it worked successfully. I haven’t tried it again, but I’m confused about my discretional use of energy. I seem to mostly accept things now rather than seeking and taking things. The lack of effort makes me feel as if I’m not working as I should, but then I remember that there is no such thing as the way something “should” be, only the way it is, and that the point of life is in the living and feeling of it. It’s for the sake of the experience and as the dreamer of your own personal grand illusion you can have any attitude to that experience which you decide is appropriate for what kind of experience you want to have. Even now I wouldn’t be surprised if everything around me started to fall away and my life was ended before I died. I maintain a sense of realism in all interactions with the world and the people I meet, but I can’t shake the feeling that nothing at all is real, and the only thing worth effort is meeting your own standards. What then do you do when your standards are to simply treat whatever happens with acceptance and love?
All of a sudden, there are no more missions to go on, and no great evils to fight. I don’t feel as though I’m missing anything, only that there is just a lot of empty time. I can fill this time any way I choose, but there are only so many things that I want to do, and I’ve been meditating to be detached from the events and experiences of my life. But, I’m wondering should I have done that. Should I have detached so that if it were to all end today I would feel just as much at peace as I would simply walking to a park? I think I’ve gotten to the point of “anything goes so long as something happens”, but then again, there are things I’d want to avoid. But these are things that Aaron Detiege wants to avoid. My being just wants to follow Aaron and see what he does…
This is incredibly weird… but it’s not that bad. Every day seems more lively and full of things to be enjoyed. Every encounter feels meaningful and unique. If life is a game then I’d want to thank the developers because this is a great thing they’ve got running here. And yet every day that passes is just another day. Every bit of time is just time. What I do is no longer attached to when I do it, only why. It’s refreshing when I think about the attitudes and perspectives I used to have, with the beliefs that I subjected myself to. And yet I have to thank the me that felt so restricted by my circumstances and ideas, because it’s all brought me here to the point where I can look at life and sincerely say, “I think I’m enjoying this, and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next.”