Personal Journal 08/26; Dealing with Conflict

Yesterday, I had a discussion with my mother about the people smoking weed. I could tell her disapproval of the action as how she was reflecting an old pattern of moralization against recreational substance use, and part of it made me anxious that if I really expressed the depth of my involvement with ideas, actions, perspectives, and attitudes that are not just in conflict but sometimes directly contrary to the status quo, that she would project the same disapproval and condemnation on her perspective of me. I was afraid that I would have to suffer having her attitudes and perspectives, but I wanted to be grounded in my own attitudes and perspectives, and sought to be assured that my perspective of her perspective of my perspective of me was not the same as me. Later, I assured myself that my life is running well, judging from the gradual increase in freedom and joy for life that has been taking place for me since the beginning of my spiritual self-realization, and the various aspects of life and existence that have contributed to my growth and evolution of consciousness are not bad things. I do not accept other people’s arguments about how to interpret my life. I would not trust a driver in a separate car to guide my car while driving on public roads, so likewise, I will not allow other people to direct my own behavior according to their behavior. I will learn from others as best I can, and I will respectfully approach their autonomy and consider their sincerest expressions as a reflection of another aspect of myself that is simply different from my egoic expressions, but I will not take their autonomy as my own and have their thoughts and actions be made to be my own. Though I am one with the divine dance, I have a role to play, and this role is no one’s but mine.

After listening to a video on a part of Alan Watts’s lecture about “The Joker”, I felt affirmed that my life was my own because I lived it according to my own standards, though I was stressed in the past by comparing my own standards and way of being with the perspective that I desired or willed a different state of being. Our own will and actions are factors of our ego, and not actually within our control. Alan Watts describes trying to forcibly change the will to be like beating a drum in search of a fugitive, as the ego will find manipulative ways of escaping this purging and thus resist change. So, he advises accepting the principle of wu wei, “non-action”, and simply accepting that one commits certain actions in accordance with concurrent desires which one cannot be rid of, but only released from when satisfied or devalued to the point of “not caring anymore”. Only in this state of indifference can our desires and actions — and thus the state of our reality — be free to change from what they are to something else, usually in alignment with the overall perspective and modality with which we operate. Therefore, once one accepts the spiritual path and begins the process of freely expressing one’s essential self, one can necessarily expect changes to be made to one’s behavior, desires, and karma that align oneself with honesty and truth in order to be expressed freely and lovingly. This can be resisted and stalled, but it cannot be stopped. Once consciousness recognizes the way for its evolution, it will evolve through hell or high water for the sake of transcendence, because consciousness works for itself, not for our collective egos. We have no personal control over that, just as we have no personal control over our own ego. The most we can do is not believe in illusions and false pretenses, and accept the reality which we face, which is unity with the divine through dualistic perception. We can do nothing ourselves (because our ego controls nothing), but everything is done through us.

I do not know if this is right, and I cannot say that these words are true, because I believe no words can perfectly be true; but, this resonates with me, and I find solace in the fact that I can trust my own person to run according to the principles of divine unity, compassion, truth, beauty, and creative expression. These are the things which I essentially value most (in a reductive sort of listing) and it is for the sake of these things that I surrender myself to my nature, be it “good” and “bad”, so that I may express myself and my creative value freely, with as little resistance as I can manage. It seems that it is necessary for conflict to exist to derive impetus, so I will not resist conflict in my reality, nor in my expression, as that would be resisting the facts of existence. I will enjoy it as another of the beautifully diverse emotions and relational states to experience in this multi-faceted and orderly chaotic dance called life and death.

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